Dr. Phil Goode is a local expert on teen issues.  If you have questions about things you may be going through, anonymously submit your question on this Google Form, and he will respond promptly on The Prowl.

Question: Hey Dr. Phil Goode, what is the biggest problem students face?

– 16 and Stressed

One of the biggest problems students face is dealing with the issues of boundaries and standards in their relationships, both in friendships and dating relationships. We recognize that boundaries are necessary for all other areas of life – driving, sports, etc. They keep us safe, provide clarity about what is expected of us and show what the consequences will be if we go outside those boundaries.  Yet, very often, in our relationships, we can be very relaxed on our boundaries which leads to all sorts of problems.

Standards say who you will connect yourself to. Boundaries say how far those relationships go. So, I have “x-y-z” standards for my acquaintances – the people I may talk to or hang around at school. My boundaries with them may only go so far. With the people who are my friends, my standards may be “a-b-c”, which means my boundaries go further. We spend more time together and have shared interests, morals, etc. For someone I may date, my standards might be “l-m-n-o-p”. The point is that the closer you are to someone personally, your standards for the kind of people you connect yourself to become more narrow. This is not about judging someone or saying that someone is better than anyone else. It means that before I really connect with someone in a close, personal way, I want to make sure that we are headed in a similar direction in life and we value similar things. The things that are important to me are also important to them. If you have low standards for who you connect with and loose boundaries, then you are setting yourself up to be caught up in friendships and relationships that could pull you away from the kind of person you want to be.

Emotions are powerful. If, however, you let your emotions steer your life and decide what you do and who you connect with, then you can easily be in danger of entering into troubled relationships. That’s why standards and boundaries are so important. It’s easy to get caught up in emotion (he/she is cute; they make me feel a certain way; we have fun together) and allow that to cloud your judgment and then end up in relationships that you may one day regret.

Don’t confuse this with being mean or making others feel like you can’t hang out with them because you’re too good for them. Boundaries just mean that you have identified certain lines that you are not willing to cross. They say, “I’m with you, up to a point. Then you go do your thing, and I’ll do mine.” Some boundaries and standards need to be hard lines and others can be more flexible. But, you certainly need to know what your non-negotiables are so that you don’t find yourself swept away with emotion or the pressure of a certain moment. Without boundaries and standards, you can go places you never meant to go and stay longer than you ever meant to stay.