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Question: Hey Dr. Phil Goode, how do I balance having other guys friends with having a boyfriend?

— 17 and struggling

In my previous article, we looked at boundaries in our relationships. This week, I’m going to speak to boundaries in our dating relationships, specifically. To summarize from before, boundaries are necessary in all areas of our lives to protect ourselves from harm or reckless behavior. Without boundaries, for example, it would not be safe to drive a car and nearly impossible to play a sport. So, it’s important to establish healthy boundaries in our dating relationships as well.

A common scenario is that “Jack” is dating “Jill” and Jill is texting or snapchatting with “John.”  Jack is not comfortable with this because John had a crush on Jill in the past or they used to date or some other point of tension and he wants Jill to stop. Jill tells Jack that he’s just being jealous and over-reacting and to stop trying to control her. Who’s right and who’s wrong?

The boundaries for single people are different for boundaries of those in an exclusive, dating relationship. When someone enters into an exclusive, committed type of relationship, the boundaries with everyone else gets redrawn. They should not stay the same. There are reasons for this. If you value your relationship, you will put certain boundaries in place to help safeguard it. This could include no texting, no snapchatting, no flirting, no being alone with other guys/girls, etc.  It’s not about petty jealousy. It’s saying, “I want to be in a relationship with you, so I’m going to put up boundaries for myself so that we don’t have problems down the road.” Don’t be naïve. If you value something, you will protect it.

Very often the excuse is “well, we’re just friends!” Most people you end up dating are people you were “just friends” with at one point. The main point of contention is do I value my relationship with this person more than my ability to go wherever, do whatever, and talk to whoever I want? Does being in a relationship mean you can’t talk/text/hangout with other people? Not at all. You should never cut off all your friends once you start dating someone, which happens to a lot of young couples. It simply means that your boundaries with others get redrawn a bit and if your partner is not comfortable with you talking to or hanging out with a certain person, then that is an issue that you both need to talk through and work out. Sometimes it can be helpful to take it to an extreme and ask, “If I was married, would it be acceptable for me to go here/do this/talk to them like that?” If you would not be comfortable with your partner doing the same things you are doing, then you are probably being unreasonable if you expect them to be ok with you pushing certain boundaries.