Although I have no children, I do feel like a mother.

I grew up with no father but with two sisters and two brothers. My mom had a full-time job, which made me a part-time mother. It wasn’t her fault, but I could see that it hurt her.

It affected me in ways one would expect. It affected my mind, my work, my dreams and my goals, but most of all it affected my self-esteem.

My mind has never been where a teenagers should.

As the oldest, I wasn’t allowed to think like a kid. While my friends thought about Rapunzel and Disney, I was learning from Oprah how to be a mother to a child without its father.

In school, it was always hard to stay awake and even harder to explain to my teachers why I was so late.

I couldn’t tell them my brother, a newborn, cried all night and I was the only one home. I was in fifth grade, so I know what they would say. It was normal for me to miss two or three days, even though it should not have been.

When my teacher would ask what we dreamed of being, I was the only kid who ever answered, “Me.”

With only four and five hours to sleep what time was there to dream?  

Most girls have a mom to brush their hair and tell them they’re pretty. Some even have a dad to do the same and threaten each boy who agrees. With neither around nobody had time to tell me.

It’s just not fair.

Even today, I wonder about my self-esteem. Maybe if my dad had stayed my mom would have time to tell me.

My past and my present still look the same to me. My mom is now married, and soon I’ll be 17. I still have no kids, but in my heart I’m a mother to four.

My mom is around more, but it does not change the fact that I am still a part-time mother.